I present here some super quotes of the late great Julius Henry 'Groucho' Marx.

Groucho Marx was a comic genius of his time, a very clever man and a very funny man too, who deserves a place here on Vince's Wacky Web site if anyone does !

All of these words from Groucho are classics and they were classics when they were first said in the 1930's, over 70 years ago. Luckily they have been preserved for our enjoyment today. Groucho.....The King of the one liners !

A lot of these gags seam old as they are old, and have been banded about for ages.....but..... Groucho thought of them first ! .....in his own classic groundbreaking and inimitable style. 

" Some years back, after a childhood of pre-occupation with comedy that led me to observing the styles of all the great comedians, I came to the conclusion that Groucho Marx was the best comedian this country ever produced. Now I am more convinced than ever that I was right. I can't think of a comedian who combined a totally original physical conception that was hilarious with a matchless verbal delivery. I believe there is a natural inborn greatness in Groucho that defies close analysis as it does with any genuine artist. He is simply unique in the same way that Picasso or Stravinsky are and I believe his outrageous unsentimental disregard for order will be equally as funny a thousand years from now. In addition to all this, he makes me laugh."
- Woody Allen - 

I present here over 70 of Groucho's most famous quotes, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the one, the only.....

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"A child of five would understand this. send someone to fetch a child of five."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§.

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution ? "

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse ! "

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."

"I could dance with you until the cows come home, or I could dance with the cows until you come home !"

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long."

"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me ? "

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do ! "

"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes ? "

"Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water ! "

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters ? "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

" It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Time wounds all heels."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

I hope you enjoyed these great quotes from a great alltime comic.