These are all TRUE telephone calls and enquiries that Computer Support Help Desks have received. Collated here for you from Magazine and Internet articles from around the world.

You cant help feeling sorry for the poor confused caller who is so lost and all at sea when it comes to computers and technology, but even more so for the poor Help Desk operative........Tech Support.

Tech Support: " Hello, how may I help you ? "

Caller: " I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: " Did you install the update ? "
Caller: "No !  Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work ? "

Tech Support: " Hi, how can I help ? "

Caller: ".....What's a colon on my keyboard ? "
Tech Support: " It's the actual key next to the 'L' key on your keyboard."
Caller: " How do you spell 'L' ? "

Tech Support: " Hello there, how can I help you ? "

Caller: " I can't get into the database.' I check the usual stuff,
but it's all fine."
Tech Support: " Can you go and check if the server is working ? "
Caller: " No."
Tech Support: " What do you mean, 'no' ? "
Caller: " No, I can't do that."
Tech Support: " Why not ? "
Caller: " Well, it's not there."
Tech Support: "It's what sorry ? "
Caller: " They took it away to be upgraded."

Tech Support: " Hello, how can I help you ? "

Caller: " My E-mail doesn't work ? "

Tech Support: " Ok, Could you send me an E-mail to check that your e-mail works."

Caller: " Ok, what's your e-mail address."

Tech Support: " Its cjg@hosts.com"   < note: altered slightly to protect real address >

Caller: " How do you spell cjg ? 

Tech Support: " Hi there, how can I help ? "

Caller: " I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the
Server or Workstation version ? "
Tech Support: " Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a
server ? "
Caller: " A server. So,  which one do I get ? "
Tech Support: " The server version perhaps ? "
Caller: " Which one is that ? "
Tech Support: " Windows NT Server."
Caller: " Ok, thanks."

Tech Support: " Hello how may I help you ? "

Caller: " I cant make the programme work ? "

Tech Support: " Have you clicked on the icon ? "

Caller: " What's an icon ? "

Tech support: " Its a little picture on your screen."

Caller: " Oh is that what its for ? "

Tech support: " Yes, Please click on it and your programme should work."

Caller: " Its not working ? "

Tech Support: " Did you click on it ? "

Caller: " Oh...what's that ? "

Tech Support: " With the mouse arrow on your screen, click on the icon."

Caller: "Oh that...Yes, its working now."

Tech Support: " Hi, how can I help you ? "

Caller: " I just got my DSL self install kit in the mail and it's not working ? "
Tech Support: " What lights are on the modem ? "
Caller: " What's a modem ? "
Tech Support: " Its the item in the box that we sent you."
Caller: "There are no lights ? "
Tech Support: " What colour is the box the modem is in so I can identify our brand of modem ? "
Caller: " Blue with white clouds."
Tech Support: " Right... that's the package it came in, I mean the box that was inside of that one, its the one with the modem in, its colour coded."
Caller: "I haven't opened it yet."

Tech Support: " But if you haven't opened it, how do you expect it to work ? "

Caller: " Oh, I though it did it itself from inside the box "

Tech Support: " Hi, how can I help ? "

Caller: " My internet has stopped working ? "

Tech Support: " Can you click on the start button in the bottom left hand corner first  please."
Caller: " Oh ! do I need my PC on for the internet ? "

Tech Support: " Good afternoon how may I assist you ? "

Caller: " My screen is full of squares with pictures on them and I cant see anything past them ? "
Tech Support: " Ok just close any open windows a moment."
Caller: " Ok..... <delay of 2 minutes> .....I have closed the bathroom window but I don't see how that will help ! "

Tech Support: " Thank you for calling abc Internet, can I take your Username please."
Caller: " Yes its John Woods."
Tech Support: " No ! That's your real name Mr Woods, can I take your Username please."
Caller: " J Woods."
Tech Support: " Again that is your real  name !, can I take your Username please."
Caller: " What's a username ? "
Tech Support: " It's the account holders initials followed by a series of letters and numbers e.g.JW01296. So can I take your username please Mr Woods."
Caller: " John Woods."
Tech Support: "Do you have your account number instead please ? "

Caller: " Its John Woods."

Tech Support: " Hello, how may I help you ? "

Caller: " I cant get my PC to turn on ? "

Tech Support: " Is your PC plugged in and switched on ? "

Caller: " Yes, its all plugged in and switched on."

Tech Support: "Are you sure its switched on ? have you pressed the power button ? "

Caller: "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal thing and nothing happens ? "

Tech Support: " Excuse me Madam, but what foot pedal thing is that ? "

Caller: " Its the little white plastic thing with the wire attached to it."

Tech Support: " Has it got a little ball under it and buttons on the top ? "

Caller: " Yes...yes it has ? "

Tech Support: " That's your Computers Mouse, Madam.......the power switch is located on the actual computer."

Tech Support: " Hello, how may I be of help to you ? "

Caller: " Hi er... my printer smells funny and it's smoking ? "
Tech Support: " Ok, Sir,  You need to turn it off right now."
Caller: " Well I was told never to turn it off without running it through shutdown and it won't go through shutdown."

Tech Support: " How may I help you ? "
Caller: " The coffee cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. So how do I go about getting that fixed ? "
Tech Support: " I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder ? "
Caller: " Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer, they think of everything don't they."

Tech Support: " Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, but how did you get this cup holder ? Does it have any trademark's on it ? "
Caller: " It came with my computer, I just press a button and out pop's the cup holder,  It just has '8X ' on it."

Tech Support: " That's not a cup holder, its your CD-ROM drive tray ! "

Tech Support " Ridge Hall Computer Assistant; may I help you ? "
Caller: " Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Tech Support: "What sort of trouble ? "
Caller: " Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Tech Support: " Went away ? "
Caller: " They disappeared."
Tech Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now ? "
Caller: " Nothing."
Tech Support: " Nothing ? "
Caller: " It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Tech Support: " Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out ? "
Caller: " How do I tell ? "
Tech Support: " Can you see the "C" prompt on the screen ? "
Caller: " What's a C-prompt ? "
Tech Support: " Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen ? "
Caller: " There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Tech Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator ? "
Caller: " What's a monitor ? "
Tech Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on ? "

Caller: " I don't know."
Tech Support: " Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that ? "
Caller: "...Yes, I think so."
Tech Support: "Great ! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
 Caller: "...Yes, it is."
Tech Support: " When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one ? "
Caller: "No ? "

Tech Support: " Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "...Okay, here it is."
Tech Support: " Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: " I can't reach."
Tech Support " Well, can you see if it is ? "
Caller: "No ?."
Tech Support: " Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over ? "

Caller: " Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, No, it's because it's dark."
Tech Support: "Dark ? "
Caller: " Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Tech Support: " Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: " I can't."
"Tech Support: " No ? Why not ? "
Caller "Because there's a power outage."

Tech Support: "A power... a power outage ??? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in ? "
Caller: " Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Tech Support: " Good ! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really ? Is it that bad ? "
Tech Support: " Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: " Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them ? "
Tech Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Tech Support: " Good morning, how may I be of help to you ? "

Caller: " I've had problems inserting the floppy disks into the drive "

Tech Support: " Could you elaborate for me please "

Caller: " I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..."

Tech Support: " Did you remove the disk you put in first ? "

Caller: " Er...no...should I ? "