These are all TRUE telephone calls and enquiries that Computer Support Help Desks have received. Collated here for you from Magazine and Internet articles from around the world.

You cant help feeling sorry for the poor confused caller who is so lost and all at sea when it comes to computers and technology, but even more so for the poor Help Desk operative........Tech Support.

The fun continues with our intrepid Tech Support Team.

Tech Support: " Hello, How may I assist ? "

Caller: " My computer says it can't find the printer."

Tech Support: " Is it connected properly."

Caller: " Oh yes...I have even tried turning my PC around so that the screen faces the printer but it still can't see it ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, can I help you ? "

Caller: " I can't get the computer to FAX anything, I've tried holding my report in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send function but nothing happens ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, may I have your user name please ? "

Caller: " Yes, I just signed up with your company for the Internet. They sent me a CD that says Internet Toolkit on it. What do I do now ? "

Tech Support: " Have you installed the software on the CD on to your computer ? "

Caller: " No ? "

Tech Support: " Well then you need to install the software first before you can get on the Internet."

Caller: " How do I do that ? "

Tech Support: " Well you put the CD we sent you into your CD drive and run the setup program."

Caller: " How do I do that ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, How may I help you ? "

Caller: " How do I see the contents of my computers hard drive thing ? "

Tech Support: " Ok that's easy Sir, just Click on My Computer."

Caller: " How am I going to click on your computer ? "

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Tech Support: " .....Do you get an error message when you try to check your email ? "

Caller: " Yes. "

Tech Support: " What does the error message say ? "

Caller: " It's on my screen.....Can't you see it ? "

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Tech Support: "Hello, How may I help you ? "

Caller: " Yes I bought a new Microsoft mouse the other day and I'm having problems with it."

Tech Support: " Well what seems to be the problem with the mouse? I mean what's it not doing ? "

Caller: 'Well first off the mouse does NOT match the illustration on the box. No one seems to properly illustrate anything any more. But mainly the problem is that I find that it is really hard to move.'

Tech Support: " It's hard to move ? "

Caller: " Yes, hard to move. That little black ball is a real pain. Why did they make it like this ? Such a small ball....."

Tech Support: " Sir, try turning the mouse upside down and putting it on the table, then it should be the right way around."

Caller: " Um.....Okay..... Hold on..... Hey it's working a lot  better now ! And there's those buttons that are illustrated on the box. I feel really stupid now ! "

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Tech Support: " Thanks for calling tech Support, how can I help you ? "

Caller: "  Yes, I can't get my Internet to work....."

Tech Support: " Okay.....are you getting any error messages ? "

Caller: " No.....I just can't get it to work ? "

Tech Support: " Okay, can you double click your mouse on the Internet icon ? "

Caller: " I don't have a mouse ? "

Tech Support: " You don't have a mouse ? "

Caller: " YOU PEOPLE DID NOT LEAVE ANY VERMIN AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU INSTALLED ME ! I DON'T HAVE A  ****** MOUSE,  I DON'T HAVE ANY MICE IN MY HOUSE ! "

<child's voice trying to grab phone away from irate lady > -" Mommy....he means this thing..."

Caller: " Oh.... " <click...hung up>

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Tech Support: " Hello, How can I assist you ? "

Caller: " My flashy thing that I got from the telephone company

wont stay in the drive ! FIX IT WILL YA "

Tech Support: " Ok Madam you mean the CD correct ? "

Caller: " YES WHAT ELSE WOULD I MEAN ? I have to hold 

the silly thing in up while I close the drawer ! "

Tech Support: " You hold what up again please ? "

Caller: " ..... and then when it closes I hear this 

clink and then I click on the D thingy and it says drive not ready or something.....

and then when I go to take it out the CD isn't there ? "

Tech Support: " Madam why do you have hold the CD up when you close the drawer ? "

Caller: " Cause it will fall out on the desk if I don't ! "

Tech Support: " Excuse me Madam, is the word " power" written

 upside down on the computer at all ? "

Caller: " Yes the computer wasn't working one day, and I turned it over and it worked."

Tech Support: " You will need to turn the computer back over and try again."

Caller: " Oh...turn it......" <click hung up>

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Tech Support: " Hi, how can I help ? "

Caller: " Well I unpacked my new PC, I plugged everything in 

and have been looking at it for 20 minutes and nothing and 

I mean nothing is happening, the screen has a green 

light on but the screen is just blank ? "

Tech Support: " Have you pushed the power switch in on the PC to turn it on Madam ?"

Caller: " Power switch ? what power switch ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, may I be of help ? "

Caller: " My Computer has smoke coming out of it ! "

Tech Support: " Quick ! pull out the plug "

Caller: " But Shouldn't I go through shut down first ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, may I be of help ? "

Caller: " Your sound card is defective and I want a new one. "
Tech Support: " What seems to be the problem ? "
Caller: " The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the
right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective ! "
Tech Support: " You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right
side of the computer and vice versa."
Caller:..... <hung up phone>

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Tech Support: " Hello, may I help ? "

Caller: "My mouse is hard to control with the dust cover on ? "

Tech Support: "We didn't supply a dust cover for the mouse...what does this cover look like ? "

Caller: "Well its transparent with a clip around the the end "

Tech Support: " That's not a dust cover its  the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in ! "

Caller: "oh... !"

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Tech Support: " Hello, can I help you ? "

               Caller:" I get 'Access Denied ' message every time I log in".          

 Tech Support: "OK, let's try by just using lower case letters."

Caller: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard ? "

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Tech Support: ".....I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Caller: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu ? "
Caller: "No ! "
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu ? "
Caller: "No ! "
Tech Support: "Ok, Sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point ? "
Caller: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' down. "
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard ? "
Caller: "yeah...I've done something dumb, right ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, can I help ? "

Caller: "How do I  install the batteries in my new laptop ? "
Tech Support: " The directions are on the first page of your Laptop manual "
Caller: " I just paid $2000 for this damn thing and I'm not going to read the book "

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Tech Support: "....Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the Start button displayed ? "
Caller: "Wow !!  How can you see my screen from there ? "

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Tech Support: " Hello, can I help you ? "

"Caller: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'install'  all it says is 'Bad
command or filename'."
Tech Support: " Ok, check the directory of the A: Drive go to A:\ and type 'dir'."
The caller reads off a list of file names, including 'install-exe'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'install' again."
Caller: "Ok........ Still says 'Bad command or file name' ? "
Tech Support: "The file's there in the correct place.

....are you sure you're typing 'install' and hitting the Enter key ? "
Caller: "Yes, let me try it again.........Nope, still 'Bad command or file name ? "
Tech Support: "Are you sure you're typing ' i n s t a l l '  and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Caller: "Well, yeah...Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using
the 'M' key instead...does that matter ? "

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Tech Support: "Good morning, how can we help ? "
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your barcode number so we can identify your computer and open an outage "
Caller: "What is that ? "
Tech Support: "Its that little barcode on the front of your computer. we put them there to identify our customers computer make and model etc."
Caller: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar, little bar, little bar, big bar . . ."

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Tech Support: "Hello , How can I assist you ?  "
Caller: "Do I have to switch my computer on to listen to my music CD's ? "

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Tech Support: "Hello , How can I  you ? "

Caller: " All of my floppy disks have the wrong programmes on them ! "

Tech Support: " Ok the best thing would be to send us copy's of your disks and we will send you some new ones, the right ones "

Caller: " Oh, Ok that's fine, Thanks "

A few days later a letter arrived from the customer and inside it were photocopies of the floppy disks !

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Tech Support: "Hello help desk here. "

Caller: " The cursor of my mouse moves in the opposite direction from the movement of my mouse, furthermore its very hard to operate the buttons. "

Tech Support: " So its reversed then...ok...are the buttons of the mouse at the top or the bottom ? "

Caller: " They are at the bottom...why ? "

Tech Support: " Could you rotate the mouse so that the tail of it is pointing away from you. You are operating it the wrong way round ! "

Caller: " I...er....what ? ......I.....but....it.....I see......<click hung up>

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Another caller was quite worried that after seeing that he had performed an illegal operation on his computer that the Police might be around to arrest him !

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Another caller was very upset when his computer said he was ' Bad and Invalid ', the help desk had to re-assure him that PC's don't get personal and that it meant  the program was bad and invalid and NOT him !

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